Wednesday, May 23, 2012

my recent brush with death


I was getting ready to go run some errands one day, home by myself, and stopped blow drying my hair to take Macon out.  I literally had half wet hair and he came in my room begging to go out.  So, I stopped what I was doing and took him outside.  My backyard is kind of confusing, so let me paint a picture for you (no, seriously): 


As you can see, I am standing on my drive way next to the basketball goal.  The little red square in the corner is our detached garage that my dad built in the backyard.  My house backs up to the woods (the white space) with a ditch separating the woods from my yard.  There is a mammoth of a pine tree sitting right on the edge of the woods.  I mean, the sucker is huge.  Huge enough to make my dad force us to pack up and leave for every possible hurricane.  So you can get a real idea, I was no more than 30 feet from this pine tree at the moment. 

I bet you already know what is going to happen, but I am going to tell you anyways.  At this point, it is important for you to know that it was not raining.  It was barely even stormy.  I am talking one grey cloud that was no where near above me.  All of a sudden, I heard the loudest noise I have ever heard in my life.  I literally looked down at my chest to make sure that I hadn't been shot point blank from 2 feet away.  Macon simultaneously yelped and ran into the house, yanking his leash and therefore pulling me over.  I thought I was dying.  

This is where the Jesus star comes into play.  Yes, I said Jesus star.  Every year at Christmas time, my dad puts up a gigantic star made of lights into our friend the mammoth pine tree.  Its a pain in the butt to get up there, and every year my family dreads being beckoned from outside by my dear father to come and lug the thing up the tree.  Long story short, there is a metal wire that affixes the star in the tree with a pulley system (my dad is an engineer so everything must have a pulley), and the metal wire attaches to a hook on the ground during the off season.  

Ok, back to dying.  Literally, one second has gone by sense the loud bang and I whip around just in time to see the metal Jesus wire illuminated with sparks and filling the air with smoke.  Suddenly, a light bulb.  The dang tree had gotten struck by lightning.  

For some reason, this was not enough evidence for me.  I was convinced that I was about to die, and my dog had left me there to do it.  Nevertheless, I ran inside and I faintly remember ducking.  I was basically doing a half-assed army crawl to my room because I thought the mammoth pine tree was coming down any minute on my house.  I grabbed my phone and dialed my moms number, which took about 30 tries because my hands were shaking so bad.  To me, I made perfect sense.  To my mom however, all she could hear is my hysterical sobs and whines.  

Eventually, I got it out and all my mom could say is "wow." Wow? Not a thank God you're alive or OMG call an ambulance.  Suddenly, I felt stupid.  Was this not a big deal?  It sure as heck felt like one. I could still feel the hair standing up on the back of my neck.  That is literally the most terrified I have been in a long time. I think she could sense that I felt she wasn't taking me seriously, because she told me to call the fire department to come check out the tree.  

Within minutes, sirens were blaring and lights were flashing.  I do remember telling the fire chief that it was not an emergency, but he brought out the big guns anyways.  At least someone was coming to my rescue.  Three guys piled out of the truck and into my backyard.  The first thing out of one of their mouths was "damn." 

Damn right, damn! The guys proceeded to tell me that we needed to check the electricity inside and in the garage out back.  They explained that the wire actually helped because the lightning would have traveled all the way down the tree into its roots.  Pine trees have very large roots that spread out in very wide and long distances.  Apparently, I could have easily been electrocuted being so close to the tree because lightning can jump.  Turns out, the Jesus wire saved me.  

In the end, all we lost was our cable and surround sound for a couple days.  Plus, we have to get the mammoth cut down because its all dead now and will eventually fall down on our house.  Dad says he is going to hang out around me from now on during storms because lightning never strikes the same place twice.  I just laugh and say "well lets not see if its aim improves." 

post-grad life = overrated

Let me just start out with a real quick rant..

Did I ever say I was interested in growing up? No. I would be perfectly content living in the Clemson bubble I just reluctantly left behind, for the rest of my life, laying out at the High Pointe pool and eating bagel bites.

However, I have been thrust into the "real world" which, at the moment, consists of my living room couch.  Let me tell you something.  I HATE applying for jobs online.  If online job applications were a person, they would be a 2 year old asking "why? why? why?" 4,000 times in a high pitched voice 3 inches from my ear.  I have half a mind to punch that 2 year old in the face.  Not something I say everyday.

If I upload a resume to your little online application hell, then why do I have to type out everything that is already on my resume into 20,000 little boxes?  Why?  READ MY RESUME.  It has everything you need to know, promise.  If not, leave a little comment section and I'll fill ya in.

Rant over, even though you know I am still screaming at the top of my lungs on the inside.

Anywho, my past couple of weeks of post-grad life has consisted of the following activities:

  1. waking up at about 11:30 (no complaints there) and moving to the couch 
  2. watching Bravo until my eyes hurt, then making some bagel bites
  3. applying for some jobs online (deep breath) 
  4. chipping off all the paint on my nails, then re-doing them 
  5. taking my dog out
  6. chasing my dog down the street
  7. beating my dog (kidding, kinda) 
  8. counting the minutes until my parents get home and I have someone to talk to other than Macon and the Desperate Housewives of New Jersey
Ok, so that sounds a little pathetic.  Listen, Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither was the fabulous new professional adulthood of Jena Baird. 

I actually did do some fun stuff this past week and a half, none of which varying from my pre-adulthood life. 
  • I went up to Greenville to visit Cam and help his mom out with the kiddies she watches everyday.  That was the best birth control I've ever witnessed. 
  • Me and Cam went to see Dark Shadows (don't waste your money) and went to the Greek Festival in Greenville.  I ate lamb while Cameron sang the Lambchop theme song.  You can't make this stuff up people. 
  • Cam came back to Charleston with me to spend the week and Memorial day with the fam.  So far, we have watched The Bachelorette, gone to Game Stop at midnight to pick up some game Cam will play for 9 hours straight, and helped my dad clean out my grandpa's house (whole 'nother story about that to come)
Over all, I guess post-grad life hasn't been that bad.  I will continue to fill out annoying online applications and watch Bravo until my eyes hurt.  For some reason, all I can think about is that creepy woman in The Hunger Games ... "May the odds be ever in your favor!"

Monday, May 14, 2012

Well folks, it's all over.  My life as a college student and my excuse to be irresponsible, all out the window.  It is definitely bittersweet, I am excited and sad all at the same time.  I have officially moved back in my parents house and the job search has begun.  Not before I take a little time to relax, of course!

Here are some pictures from graduation this weekend!















Wednesday, May 2, 2012

BREAKING NEWS

No really, that was the headline when I pulled up ABC.com's Bachelorette section today.  Apparently, the men that will be competing for the love of the beautiful Emily Maynard have been released.  Who cares about bombings in Afghanistan and another one of Obama's lengthy speeches... THIS is breaking news. Lets do a little run down of my faves, and my not-so-muches.

First and foremost, for those of you who do not know about Emily Maynard, shame on you! She is the beautiful yet tragic widow of the former Nascar driver Ricky Hendricks.


There are 25 lucky men vying for Emily's attention.. but there can only be one. DUN DUN DUN.
Here's a couple for your amusement:


Meet Alejandro. 
He's from Colombia.  When they started bringing foreigners into the game, idk. I can tell you right now, just the name is going to make sweet southern Emily send this boy packing the first night. If that doesn't do it, this would..

Mushroom farmer? Is that code for hallucinogen dealer? 
And what's this about you taking a picture of your mom with you to a deserted island? You could bring food and water.. but you bring a picture of your mom? That is either really cute, or really creepy.  I'm going with the latter.
Then you mention your mom, again.  Love your mom, thats necessary.  But momma's boys ain't cute.  That means she is probably a psycho control freak and you are a whiney little man child. 

NEXT! 
Then there's Alessandro. (this is starting to sound like a Lady Gaga song)
This one is from Brazil.  America must be running out of seemingly attractive men desperate for their 15 minutes of fame.  Don't even get me started on the hair.. 
Grain merchant.. don't they have any normal jobs, like doctors or lawyers, in foreign countries? 
Can't hate on the mom comment because that one is actually really sweet... until he basically says his woman better cook and clean for daddy. 
What exactly is electronic dancing? Like the robot? 
This is Chris. 
Young, handsome, has some hot shot corporate job in Illinois.  Sounds like a contender?  Until I saw this...

Your number one is Rascal Flatts? You are a shame to the male race. 
This is Jef. 
No, thats not a typo. His name is really that stupid. Kind of like his hair.  I don't even need to put his little bio up, because poor Emily wont get to that part before she is swept up by the tsunami going on on his head right now.  
Meet Joe.  
Or maybe it's Zack Morris.. still trying to decide. 
You own a truck and a hat.. therefore you are country?  P.S. NOTHING in Florida is considered the South.  They might as well knock off and become part of Cuba.  
One more thing, were all those exclamation points at the end necessary for emphasis or is he just super excited to be on the show? Either way, NEXT! 
This is Michael.  
I am just going to come out and say it, he looks like a lesbian. 
If he didn't look like one, the following would prove it:
This man is confused, send him home. 

Ok ok, I know. I have been tearing these poor guys apart.  There are some I like though! 2 of them.. out of 25.  Should be a good season! 

Here are my contenders...
Meet Brent. 
He's 41 and from Midland, TX.  A little old, yes, but no one can resist a nice southern man. Look at that face! You can tell he's a sweetheart. 
A sweetheart with 6 tattoos.  Ow Ow! He had me sold at "pulling the boat out." 

Meet Arie. 
Cool name, perfectly quaffed hair, blue eyes.. Ok the picture is a little creepy, but that can't be natural.  I am sure he will be way cuter on the show.  

Zoom in ladies... he's a race car driver. "And the winner is..."
Maybe this will be too hard for her to revisit, or maybe some animal instinct will kick in and she will have herself another race car drivin hubby.  He has 2 tattoos on his arm and ribs? Yatzee! 

I know that these are all based on pictures and the stupid questions that ABC makes them answer, so hopefully more of these guys will grow on me.  But I am calling it right now (I promise I didn't look a the spoilers), but these two are going far! 

Check out more about these dashing young lads here